| Changes |
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| 10:53pm 10/05/2009 |
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mood:  cheerful music: "Nothing to Die For": Tim McGraw
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It's amazing how quickly your life can change. I've been dating Sile a just under two months now, and it still feels amazing. In fact I'd say it's I feel happier with every passing day. My friends would probably either laugh or drop their jaws in surprise at this, but I know I'm going to marry that girl some day. As it is I have a hard time thinking of her as my girlfriend and not my wife.
Today was Mother's Day. Let me start over...Today was a mess. I'm moving out of my apartment and into my grandmother's until further notice. Sile was there to help me pack, and afterwards we were going to go have dinner with her family. By the time we got done for the day we were already running later than expected. As I was dropping stuff off at Gram's I got a text saying that dinner was bumped up to 5. There was no way I was going to make it on time. I texted back asking if I should show up late or not at all...and was summarily told to not bother because her sister was in a tiff. That upset me...not because I didn't get to spend time with my girlfriend, but because I couldn't spend time with her and her family.
When my dad asked me what was up and why I was being mopey the first thought that popped into my head was "I wanted to have dinner with my wife and her family." and while I caught myself and didn't say it, it took me a solid minute before I could figure out WHY the sentence was inaccurate.
I love her with all my heart, I really do. The fact that she's worried about me getting along with her family as I'm now in the "boyfriend" category rather than the "family friend" category because they'll treat me differently is confusing to me.
I loved her when I was a "family friend" why has that suddenly changed? I'm no different than I was then other than being happier. The fact that I want to spend time with her family despite the drama and insanity should say something.
All of my instincts keep wanting to refer to her as my wife rather than as my girlfriend. I have NEVER felt that way. Even when I was married it was more of a "oh yeah, we're married...this is my wife." thought process.
I put a two year moratorium on any speak of marriage when we first got together. It's not a fear of commitment, it's just that we both kind of rushed into our previous marriages and I wanted to prove to everyone that we weren't making the same mistake twice. I know in my heart that we're not, but I figured it would make the most sense that way. I regret saying those words now. I would take her to the Courthouse right now...well not right now, but first thing in the morning, and marry her if I were able.
I'm a better person because of her. Before we took this step in our relationship there was a hole that I couldn't figure out how to fill. Now I feel whole. |
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| Starshmucks |
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| 11:11pm 04/05/2009 |
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mood:  aggravated music: "All You Need is a Bag of Weed": Family Guy
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So I was at work today, and not for the first time someone ordered a "Tall" Drink. Now in this particular case...I charged them for a large...which they watched me do. I grabbed the large cup...which they watched me do. I made their drink in the large cup...which they watched me do. AS I WAS HANDING THEM THEIR DRINK...they asked me..."Isn't a tall a small."
I don't even know where to begin on the multiple levels of stupidity of that statement.
I grew up watching Sesame Street. You know the show...lots of muppets, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Snuffleupaguss, etc. When I watched that show they taught me things...like HOW TO MAKE A FUCKING COMPARISON. For example. You see a 4' tall man, and a 7' tall man. Which one do you call "Tall?" Now let's go a step further. You see two cups in front of you. One is about 4" in height, the other is about 6" in height. WHICH ONE DO YOU CALL TALL???
I know this seems silly, but this is a college campus...where there should be *ahem* "HIGHER" education. I should not have to break down the sizes of coffee cups frickin' Barney style because some corporate schmuck decided to be "fancy."
When I looked at this bimbo like the idiot she was and told her "Sorry, I grew up on Sesame Street" she told responded with, "Well Starbucks..." All I could do was take off my visor and look at the name on it. Funny...it doesn't say "Starbucks," it says "Buster Brown Bean Company." Now I thought the whole Tall, Grande, Venti thing was stupid since the beginning. That's part of the reason why I've never applied for a job there. It's also why I very rarely ever went there for a drink.
I wanted to say it, but I held my tongue. Damn military training. "This is not Starbucks...if you want Starbucks go out that door, make a 45 degree turn to the right and walk about 200 yards."
I could've strangled her. |
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| Happy |
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| 10:45pm 12/04/2009 |
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mood: loved music: None
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Well, I had a fun weekend overall. The gameplan was to come up on Friday, pick Sheila up, got to a club for her friend's birthday, head back to Fredonia, and then come home Saturday evening since we both had Easter plans.
What ended up happening is that we got all dressed up with no place to go. Apparently the party wasn't until Saturday night. As we both had plans for Easter and she especially needed to be up relatively early we didn't go out on Saturday night.
It's funny we spent most of Friday night in bed, and most of Saturday afternoon reading together on the couch. It's funny how the most mundane things can bring us the most pleasure.
I've known her for years and never thought that I could ever know her any better. I've loved her for years and never thought I could love her more. Yet, I find myself knowing more and more about her, and loving her more and more every day. |
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| Happiness |
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| 10:01pm 04/04/2009 |
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mood: loved music: "Who are You": The Who
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It's weird this feeling that I have. I'm not used to it, and honestly it scares me. The last time I gave someone my heart like this I got burned very badly. This feels different though. Most likely because it is. Last time I knew the girl very little. This time...I've known her for 13 years. There are things we discuss that would make any other person in a relationship this new run screaming in the other direction. We've discussed the possibility of a future marriage, future kids, past loves and lovers and even early romance flatulence. The most current thing is that I came home today and saw she had left her toothbrush in my holder. It made me smile. For the first time in a very long time I feel happy and normal. It's certainly more than I'm used to.
I know that we're both nervous. Both of us have had bad marriages, and we've been friends for 13 years. We don't want to ruin that, and honestly I don't think that will happen. We already know each other too well to be surprised by anything the other does.
It's kind of weird...this part of our relationship is very new, and despite being very new...we act like we've been together for years. Which I suppose is very true in a way.
In my previous post I mentioned all the things that I have done and experienced...and how none of them compare to her. I mean those words...but I have found one thing that leaves me in even more awe and wonder. Waking up next to her. With her in my arms I know that she is safe. She is my anchor, and I am her shield. |
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| Beauty |
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| 01:21pm 18/03/2009 |
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mood: happy music: None
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I have witnessed the majesty of the sunrise atop Mt. Fuji.
I have walked the streets of Paris and stood beneath the Arc di Triomphe.
I have stood atop the Eiffel and Tokyo towers and gazed across the landscapes.
I have been to the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
I have seen the Mona Lisa and looked up at the Sistine Chapel.
I have held my newborn "niece" in my hands.
I have traveled some of the oldest roads in the world.
I have meditated on beauty along the frozen shores of Lake Erie
I have driven through the deserts of New Mexico
I have been 700 feet below the Earth's surface in the depths of Carlsbad Caverns and gazed down as if from the top of a skyscraper.
I have listened to the raw power of nature while sitting and watching lightning storms.
I have experienced all of this...but none of it leaves me in such awe and wonder as when she walks into a room. My heart flutters with every kiss. When she tells me that she loves me...she leaves me speechless. |
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| Changes |
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| 10:09pm 10/03/2009 |
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mood:  confused music: TV
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Five years ago there were four things that brought me back to NY after my divorce. One was college...if I'm going to move I may as well get a NY state education as it's considered one of the highest in the nation. The second was my father, the third being my maternal grandmother, and the fourth was my friends...specifically Sile. Not necessarily in any particular order.
Now...five years have passed and much of my life has changed. Some of it for the better. Some of it...not so much.
Five years later I'm thinking of moving out of state again. Now...there are four things which make me want to stay. Despite the economy and lack of job...if I were able...these are the four reasons I would stay.
A) Sile...her and her family make me feel at home. I know it's weird, but despite all the drama she tells me about, it still seems better than dealing with my own family...not to mention i love her family as if they were my own.
b) My grandmother...her health is failing and she's getting on in years. I worry about her...and part of me wants to stick around
c) my dad. He's never been short of advice when needed. Right now he's telling me to screw everything else and go to texas...especially if the economy is better down there
d) my cat. when I left NY last time i left my dog there (had to). She was old when i left...and they had to put her down while i was gone...granted part of me is thankful that i was gone when she had to be put down...but i know i'll miss my kitty too...especially as that cat saved my life during my divorce. I want to be able to visit her when I can. |
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| Dreams Not Made Flesh |
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| 09:41am 24/02/2009 |
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mood: confused music: None
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I had a really bizarre dream last night...wish I knew how it would've ended. Didn't get the chance since my alarm clock went off. I dreamt that I was on a cruise. (Why do all my bizarre dreams end up on a cruise? Especially odd since I've never been on one.) I ended up in a hold of some sort, although I think it was supposed to be my room. She asked me to give her a massage as her side was hurting. Given the crap that was everywhere I had to stand in an odd position to massage her hips and sides. At this point her sister came down stairs into this room with her boyfriend. Her sister happened to see us and the way we were positioned and asked if we were getting married. When I told her sister no her sister told me good as she didn't want to change her last name to mine. I had to explain that it didn't work that way. As the sister and her boyfriend went into another room I woke up. |
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| What the Hell? |
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| 04:49pm 21/02/2009 |
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mood:  depressed music: 1,000 Ways to Die
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Why is it that I'm always willing to help people when they're in trouble...but as soon as I need a hand no one can be found? My car battery died yesterday. I thought maybe it was just the cold, but it's still not starting. I've called everyone I can think of to drive me to wal-mart so i can get a new battery. One couple had just left Wal-Mart and were on their way to dinner. Everyone else I know is unavailable...literally. There was a EDU test for a few of them, a few have their phone off...and I have no idea where my housemate is. Every last person that I've called I've done a favor for in the last 6 months. Some of them multiple times...hell one of them I even dropped what I was doing and took them to the hospital, missing a class in the process. I'm just feeling mopey I guess because I just realized how much I've been used over the past few years. I've realized just how nice I am in the great grand scheme of things...and in a way...it just kind of pisses me off that this is how I get repaid. |
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| White Inn...SUCKS |
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| 09:30pm 14/02/2009 |
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mood: pissed off music: None
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So...we had reservations at the White Inn tonight for 7 pm. We got there at 6:45 but we were seated immediately and given menus. We then apparently turned invisible for 15 minutes as we sat there in the open and no one even came near us. When our waiter finally did arrive he mumbled an apology for taking so long and asked (after tripping over his tongue numerous times) if he could get us something to drink. As soon as he got our drink orders he bolted...I don't mean just left, but literally bolted...As neither of us had been looking at our menus and we had been sitting there long enough for him to mumble an apology...it would not have been out of the question to ask if we were ready to order.
About 10 minutes after that he returned with our drinks and asked if we were ready to order. I told him that we've been ready. This was especially true as between Keri's mushroom allergy and my shrimp allergy there was very little we could actually eat. I asked for the grouper minus the shrimp...Keri ordered the steak and shrimp.
Now...our waiter set down our drinks by reaching over the candle...and I half expected him to set his arm on fire. Five minutes after we ordered he came back and told us that they were out of the steak and shrimp. My curiosity is piqued as it was only 7 o'clock on Valentine's Day and they had a special Valentine's Day menu...I didn't think it was that late. He brought Keri the Valentine's Day menu...again...and when he set it down he set it down almost right on top of the candle.
He then stood over her shoulder for about a minute while she perused until she told him that she was going to need a few minutes. He bolted...again.
Keri was having trouble picking something out as, again, her mushroom allergy precluded half the menu from the get go. I realized that we had now been sitting there for half an hour with only drinks to our name. She was obviously already pissed off...I was already pissed off.
At this point I pulled out Jill (my GPS) and started looking for another place we could go at 7:15 on Valentine's Day that was at least somewhat fine dining. At this point our waiter came back and asked if she was ready...I told him that we needed a few minutes because we might be going elsewhere. We never saw the waiter again.
As we walked out the Maitre d' that sat us wished us a good night. We hadn't been there long enough to eat a meal and leave...so obviously it wasn't a good night. (Although now that I think of all the time we spent there...maybe we were there long enough...if the service hadn't been downright shit).
So we settled on DeJohn's and went there instead. We were asked what we would like to drink as we sat down...and actually had our meal set before us within half an hour rather than still sitting there...invisible. The atmosphere was nice, the prices were decent...and I'll go back there.
The prices at the White Inn were pretty high to begin with...but then "you're paying for atmosphere." Well...the atmosphere sucks. I have never, NEVER walked out of a place after having been seated. This was a first, even for me, and thanks to the folks who couldn't care less at the White Inn our Valentine's Dinner was almost ruined.
Thank's to the nice folks at DeJohn's, our dinner and our night was salvaged. Somebody remind me to send DeJohn's a nice big thank you card. |
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| Ghost Sex? |
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| 12:33am 12/02/2009 |
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mood: silly music: [adult swim]
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So I got home tonight around 11:30. I checked my e-mail and what not and was about to get ready for bed when I heard bed squeakings coming from upstairs. As my housemate's boyfriend is visiting I decided to wait down here for a bit. About midnight they both walked in the door. I was obviously very confused at this point and told my housemate what I heard and she just shrugged it off...until she started walking upstairs and heard the bed squeaky noise. Then she got shit scared. We went upstairs, and realized that the drawstring from her blinds was hitting the side of her candle holder and making the noise as her window was open a little.
At least she appreciated the fact that I was going to wait down here for a few. |
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| Flights of Fantasy |
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| 09:37pm 06/02/2009 |
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mood: confused music: None
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What kind of man am I that I feel sorrow, and sympathy for a character in a book? Is it the writing that empathize with? Or maybe the character himself? Do I see a piece of myself in the literature? Sometimes I just don't know. |
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| Dreams |
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| 10:44am 16/01/2009 |
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mood: crappy music: None
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I'm not sure which is worse...the dream I had last night or the cracked out fever dreams I've been having. First off I should explain. I got sick a few weeks ago, got over it relatively easily even though it lingered longer than is typical. I came down to Texas for my brother's wedding (which I was healthy for...thankfully) and shortly after the wedding I got sick...again. I'm talking sustained 102 fever, can't stay awake for more than two hours at a time, will start drooling if I sit up straight because I've lost all cohesiveness sick. I haven't felt that sick since I had my tonsils out. As is typical when I do get sick, I tend to have the very bizarre dreams that are common with the fever. I've been on lots of meds that last few days, (yes it was bad enough that I of all people went to a doctor) which included a shot in my hip of some sort of steroid to open up my lungs, Guaifensin (the active ingredient in Robitussin) with Codeine, and some sort of D-cillin. For me that is A LOT of medication as I normally don't take meds, but then I normally don't go to doctors either. The good news is the fever broke yesterday morning around 3 am, and I've been rapidly getting better ever since.
The dream I had last night sucked. It wasn't a fever dream, but it was a dream that upset and depressed me because it was one of those constant reminders of things that are apparently not meant to be. The dream itself lasted only a few seconds, but the memory of the details leading up to that point in the dream also seemed crystal clear even though they obviously never happened.
In the dream I was at my old house in Blasdell, near the backyard sidewalk (why there's a sidewalk back there I don't know it's just always been there) and my son and I were digging for buried treasure. All of a sudden he holds up a box looks towards me (the viewer, not me that was with him helping him) and said "I found it!"
That's it...that was the entire dream...what I remembered in the dream...the details that led to that moment included the following.
- My son mentioning that he wanted to be a pirate
- Me handing my son a laptop and saying "Okay, start crackin'" a reference which should have been over his head as he's only about 8 in my dream but as he has Chris for an uncle the pun was not lost...he responded with the typical "Daaaaaaaad, I meant a real pirate."
- Me going to the town hall to get a copy of a topographical map of the area...specifically my house.
- Scanning, editing, discoloring and printing a new map so that it looks old and pirate like.
- Buying a chest (well, small trinket box that looked like a toy treasure chest) and placing some of his favorite toys in there and burying them in the backyard.
- Waiting for him to fall asleep and finding some key feature of the house that I could change into something else (where the branches make ye a skull) type of thing. Writing directions off in paces to get him to wander around the yard for a bit.
- Placing the directions at his spot at the breakfast table.
- Him waking up wondering where his toys have gone...then seeing the bottle with the directions
- He looked at me with an inquisitive look...i merely pull down my newspaper (I was reading the sunday funnies of course) looked at him and asked if he was ready matey.
Now I should mention a few key details. How this all happened in the span of one day I don't know...it's a dream. How I could bury a toy box, even a small one (not much larger than the palm of my hand) and not have him notice the big pile of dirt in the backyard, again I don't know...it's a dream. I never called the son by name, and although mom was never mentioned in my dream there were two scenarios which kept sticking out in my mind. The first was that mom was at work. The second was that she was filming her little pirate's adventures and it was through the camera that she was holding that I saw the actual dream. especially given the fact that we both turned toward the viewer.
Why I would choose the house in Blasdell I don't know. Maybe because that was the only place that my family was whole that I remember, I don't know. Maybe it was symbolic or something. As I really haven't thought of that house much since I moved 14 years ago I really couldn't say. |
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| Sickness |
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| 07:36pm 30/12/2008 |
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mood: peaceful music: None
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I hate being sick. It only happens once or twice a year, and it usually doesn't last for more than two days, three tops, but when it hits me I end up feeling like I got hit by a Mac Truck that got hit by a freight train.
At least I didn't get sick during school this year...usually if I get hit when I'm at school it lingers for a week. If it hits me during my time off it doesn't linger as long. This time though I'm out of school, and I've been holed up in my house the last three days. I've been cycling through sleeping, drinking tea and playing Wii (Mostly "Endless Ocean"). I was pretty much a bum for the first day...realized a hot shower would probably do me a world of good the second day and actually left the house today.
I'm also thankful for the fact that I didn't get sick until AFTER the holiday parties. I was at my last holiday party of the year for about an hour or two when the sore throat started. By the time I got home I felt dead tired. So I did what I always do in these situations. I cranked up the waterbed to about 90, threw the extra three blankets on it and basically did a combination of sweating it out and drinking tea to flush it out of my system. I'm so glad that I was able to go to that last party. It's the one party I look forward to every year. I get to see my friend Sheila and her family...along with the relatively recent addition of her nephew (well relatively as in within the past 4 years). It's the one party every year that although I always show up early and help with the cooking and preparations I feel the least stressed.
I don't know what it, I just always feel at peace there. Weirdly it's one of the only places I do feel relaxed and at peace.
It's been kind of humorous. When I first met her nephew (almost two years ago now) he would barely speak to me...well he was barely speaking at all...but he was shy and would barely look in my direction. Last year when I went to the party I was acknowledged but little else. This year he was begging me to play trains with him. I tried going to the bathroom...a two minute trip with handwashing and whatnot..."IAAAaaan...I thought you were going to play trains with me?" and yet somehow I felt bad for leaving to go to the bathroom. It's kind of funny. I know he's only Sheila's nephew and in no way related to me...but I had fun playing trains with him and keeping him occupied. I don't think I would trade that feeling. It's one of the few times that I actually feel like I belong somewhere. It's a unique feeling for me, and one that I look forward to every year. |
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| Wow...just...wow |
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| 05:29pm 25/11/2008 |
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mood:  embarrassed music: None
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I feel very humbled right now. I just went reading through a friends lj circa the time of my divorce. I'm not sure if I want to scream, cry, rant, rave, hit things, or just go cold. Anyway you slice it, it all boils down to the same thing. Why the hell is she still friends with me? I knew I put her through hell, but I didn't realize just how bad that hell was. It's kind of surreal to look back at me through someone else's eyes. Although I did realize something, as much as I thought I owed her before, it pales in comparison to what I really owe her. I'm both saddened and humbled. |
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| Still Alive |
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| 12:15am 14/11/2008 |
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mood: relieved music: None
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So...about ten minutes ago I just realized how lucky my grandmother is to be alive. The stroke affected the right side of her body. Her right side is still very weak. My grandmother also has a rare condition where her heart lies on her right side rather than her left. It's funny how things like this strike us at the oddest moments. |
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| Selfish |
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| 01:43am 06/11/2008 |
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mood: Selfish music: None
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I found out earlier this evening that apparently my grandmother had a mild stroke. She's at the hospital and is going to remain there for a few days to recuperate. I'll be visiting her tomorrow after class. I can't help but feel selfish though. She's the glue that holds this family together and I want her to get better because I know that if we lose her this family will end up tearing itself apart. I honestly don't think that side of my family will survive. I can't help but feel selfish for saying it though. She's live a long healthy life, and if I can think of anyone that deserves to rest it would be her, but I want her to be healthy so she can keep the family together. Not to mention the fact that nobody can make guccidotti birds and trees like her.
She's raised five children, ten grandchildren, and I can't remember how many great-grandchildren. She's taught me just about every card game I know; Blackjack, 31, Rummy, Go Fish...pretty much all of the classics.
I'm hoping that things will be better tomorrow once I get the chance to see her. |
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| When it Rains... |
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| 12:45am 05/11/2008 |
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mood: sad music: "99 Red Balloons": Goldfinger
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So I just got back from my grandmother's 89th Birthday and what should be a happy time isn't. She was barely responsive to us, and went to bed early complaining of a headache. There's actually more then that, but I'm in no mood to elaborate. To put it bluntly we're worried about her. I offered to stay, but since my Aunt Tina doesn't have to work tomorrow and I have class, she offered to stay. My other aunt is taking her to the doctor's office tomorrow. I want to believe that she'll be okay, I really do, but I know that she's been getting steadily worse over the last few years and since her sister Jess (my great-aunt) died last year she's been declining rapidly. That's the problem with being a coldly logical bastard. Sometimes it comes back to bite you. As much as I want to though I refuse to mourn someone who isn't dead.
On another note, I thought of something on the way to the party today (which was only reiterated on the way home). Am I the only one who is saddened by the song "99 Red Balloons?" The last part especially.
Ninety-nine dreams I have had
And every one a red balloon
It's all over, and I'm standing pretty
In the dust that was a city
I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
Here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go
Am I the only that feels that the main character (the singer in this case) has given up hope...and let go of his dreams? Maybe it's just because of the mood I'm in. I don't know. |
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| Birthdays... |
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| 01:03pm 03/11/2008 |
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mood: aggravated music: "You Know Who Your Friends Are": The Pretenders
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It's a good thing I expect my friends to not remember my birthday...even though facebook tells you about a week ahead of time. My friends never fail to disappoint in that regard. My favorite this week was when I mentioned it to "a friend" and her excuse was that she didn't see me on Sunday to say anything. Even though she called me on Saturday (when my birthday was) to ask me for a favor. Either way. Course I was really only expecting two or three phone calls besides my parents. One was "my brother" who called me later in the evening...naively thinking that I had friends that would want to do something with me, and not wanting to interrupt the festivities. One was someone that I would do anything for. Someone that helped me in my time of need who I can never repay. Apparently she just doesn't care that much...that one hurt a little. The third was Barb. Her I didn't necessarily expect to hear from, but it would've been nice.
On another note, I saw a man today who was looking at me. I wanted to punch him for looking at me the way he did. He looked expectant to say the least. He looked like he wanted something from me, but couldn't formulate the words to do so. I wanted to punch him, and cave in his skull...
...then I realized I was looking at my own reflection. |
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| Savage... |
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| 10:26pm 20/10/2008 |
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mood:  blank music: None
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It's been an interesting week. I've pretty much been given an ultimatum at work. Get five appointments this week, or don't bother getting appointments next week. Now...If I were blowing off my phone times I would understand, but it's not like I haven't been trying. I can't tell you how many answering machines I've listened to.
It also doesn't help that I've been off the Nortriptyline for a week. The weather is getting colder...which means that my knee is acting up. I really can't tell you what the combination of all of this has been doing to me.
The phrase "passionately violent, and violently passionate" springs to mind.
Luckily though there is at least one person in this world that calms me beyond all reasonable expectation. No matter how hard my day has been she has a way of calming me with only a few simple words. A five minute conversation and all the stress just tends to leave my body. I honestly can't say what her friendship has meant to me. |
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| Blargh |
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| 01:20am 16/10/2008 |
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mood: confused music: Eric Clapton: "Wonderful Tonight"
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I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. I know I should finish doing my Thank You cards for my customers...but my heart just isn't in it right now. Course I've been noticing that my heart isn't in a lot of things right now. I was all sorts of motivated when I left the office...now...now I just don't give a shit. I don't know what it is that happens to me on the drive home. At the meetings I'm all sorts of pumped...but in the hour to an hour and a half it takes me to get home...I lose my ability to care. I know what I have to do...I know what I want to do. For some reason though...I just can't drag my ass out of this funk to do it. |
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kuhn8921's journal